Some Day

I haven't had time to take any pictures this week. Jake has been gone helping out at girls camp. That was one of my favorite times as a Young Woman. It makes me miss it and it brings back vivid memories of all the fun.

As I sit here nursing Breahna, again, I have a lot of thinking and sitting time. I find I need to remind myself, seemingly every morning (and throughout the day) of how precious this time is.

Yesterday was a rough day for me mentally. I had not only one kid who wanted to be held constantly, but two. And the boys seemed to be constantly yelling "mama I need this" or "mama he did that" "mama this and mama that". I'd try to get the boys playing with puzzles, or watching a movie, or anything beside yelling at each other. Within seconds Alexander would be yelling "mama!" Then he would come looking for me. I was usually holding the baby trying to get her to calm down and sleep for more than a few minutes. Telling myself to relax, calm down. She's not trying to annoy you, she's trying to communicate. Alexander wasn't really sad he just wanted to be held. Wanted a reassuring hug, but didn't want me holding the baby and him. There was always one of them that was crying because they were put down from my lap.

I was trying so hard to be patient mentally. I had so many things I thought I NEEDED to get done. My dishes, crumbs stuck to sticky fingerprints, and that pile of laundry that never seems to get washed or folded. Everywhere I looked something or someone needed my attention, and it didn't feel like they were getting it. Or they weren't getting enough since they kept crying.

After an entire day of holding for a little while then washing a couple dishes, holding for a little while, washing a few more dishes I finally got fed up and declared, I'm not getting anything done!

Then Alexander came running to find me with his arms outstretched and the happiest look on his face, asking to rock with me. That's when I realized, I am getting a lot done. I am letting my kids know they are way more important than a clean house, or me getting a shower, or anything else in this world. They are still so little and need me. I don't want to miss a minute of any of this.

Alexander lately has begun to throw tantrums like it's his job. He screams "No!" for everything and always has to contradict whatever you say "wow, you have a red car" "No! it's blue!" Okay, it's for sure red but it's not worth the argument. He has also become Mr. Bossy-Pants telling Kaleb everything he can and can't do. Telling his brother how to do everything, where to sit, what to say, etc. At times like these I have to take a big breath and remember to focus on all the sweet and adorable stuff that comes along with this difficult stage. As he whiningly begs me to hold him at the most inconvenient times by yelling "hold me now!" I need to forget the fact that it's an inconvenient time and remember that there will most likely be a day when he doesn't want me to hold him anymore. 

When the kids are stalling bedtime asking for another drink of water with the most fake dramatic, dying in the desert cough. Or going to the bathroom for the eighth time or begging for one more story or song. I need to remember that I can't tuck them in for the rest of their lives (contrary to what the book Love you Forever portrays. I just don't see myself climbing through any 2nd story windows in the middle of the night when they are adults). I need to enjoy this brief time I get to spend with them. Even if going to bed takes over 3 hours.

As I look at Breahna I remember this magical time with the boys. I think about all my newborns and when we were alone in a hospital room, just us two. That sweet newborn smell and soft fuzzy head. Time seemed to stand still as my heart seemed so full it would burst. Each one was such a miracle. Each time I couldn't believe how blessed I was to be a mom [again] to have this perfect little spirit in my care. These early days are so busy. Changing and feeding and staring in awe at little fingers and toes and wide-mouth yawns. Pretty soon I know these days will be gone from me forever. No more quivering chin, tiny balled up body on my chest, no more little onesies. It goes so fast. 

Some day my laundry will be done, folded and put away, and my house will be quiet and still. My little ones will be off, independent, living their lives, and I'll be home in my clean house. I'll pull out a little scribbled drawing, a special tiny outfit, or a worn out photograph, and remember these crazy, chaotic days when little people needed me. Needed me to hold them and love them and tell them stories. Needed me to worry about them and calm their fears and listen to their stories. Needed me.

Even though it seems like there is not quite enough of me to go around some days, I'm so blessed to be the one everyone needs. Because it's really me who needs them more than anything.

I am so blessed!